In my last post, I asked the question, “So, what is the risk in hiding?” The converse of this question is, “What are the benefits of being visible?” It’s an important question because it focuses us on the positive aspects of being visible, instead of only the negative aspects of hiding. As a life coach and a constantly evolving human being, I know that we are much more likely to live a fulfilled life when we not only recognize how punishing and crippling our decision to hide can be, but also how beautiful and life-affirming it is to experience visibility. And, although it is somewhat counter-intuitive, being visible is easier than hiding.

So, what are the benefits of being visible?

• When I am visible, I am much more likely to get my needs met. Having needs doesn’t mean that I become needy or demanding. It simply means that I am much less likely to ignore or set aside my needs. It shows self-compassion and self-love. In turn, by acknowledging and honoring my own needs, I am honoring being human, I am acknowledging my value in the world, and I am honoring my trust in others.

• When I am visible, I am much more likely to experience joy. Being visible means that I am open to experiencing the full throttle of life, a fuller array of possibilities and success, and the ability to make fully informed decisions. Visibility makes the experience of joy possible, whereas hiding makes joy less likely, or even impossible.

• When I am visible, I augment my value to others. By being visible, I am much more aware of my talents and strengths, and I can then choose to share them with the world. For example, when I realized my aptitude for life coaching and I was willing to embrace that, I sought out the training I needed to leverage my skills. In doing so, I can now help my clients see themselves differently and to enhance their lives. If it wasn’t for my willingness to be more visible in my own life, I wouldn’t have taken the steps to become a life coach. The process has changed my life and the lives of my clients.

There is so much more to say on this topic. Please add your Comments by completing this statement, “When I am visible…” in the Comments section.

A few weeks ago, an Invisible Lives reader sent me an email with a question about two of the terms I tend to use interchangeably. He asked:

“Do you make a distinction between invisible and hidden? Hiding who we are (invisible) vs. withholding some aspect of ourselves (hidden).”

Let’s explore it…

Hiding Vs. Invisible

Even though the words evoke a significant overlap in meaning (and I do use them interchangeably), I see them as qualitatively different. Here’s how:

Hiding is actively and consciously concealing some aspect of you. There is a situational quality to hiding. Think of the childhood game “Hide and Seek” and imagine being the hider. In this case, the hider actively conceals his/her body from the seeker, actively trying not to be found. In life, we have all learned how to hide as a defense against real or perceived threats. It’s a natural part of our survival in the word. 

For example, I have actively and consciously concealed from others the fact that I’m gay, especially when I have sensed or felt a threat of some sort. In contrast, I no longer conceal this fact from my friends or family…or the readers of this blog!

Invisibility is the belief that you do not deserve to be seen, that you are deficient or inferior to others, or that you are unworthy to live your biggest, most beautiful life. These beliefs are the forces behind invisibility. They hijack our ability and willingness to be visible. These beliefs quietly and insidiously displace who we are with destructive forces like shame, fear, resentment, and anger. We can even be well-aware of our own invisibility, but it can still sneak out of the shadows when we’re not paying attention.

For example, I recently had a phone conversation with a friend during which I felt very uncomfortable…yet, I continued the conversation without revealing my discomfort or intervening in some other way. During the call, he asked me questions that I blindly (and inappropriately) answered. I was barely aware of the pressure in my chest, the inappropriateness of my responses to his questions, and the conflict that had brewed up inside of me. As soon as I hung up the phone, however, the sensations that I had been holding back rushed over me…and I felt sick to my stomach. I allowed invisibility to hijack me and now I had a mess to clean up. It took me about an hour to work through what had just happened and to figure out how I would resolve the situation. The good news is that I put on my “big girl pants” (sorry - I heard someone say that recently, and I LOVE that phrase) and I called my friend back. In our follow-up conversation, I was uncomfortable, but fully present. I took responsibility for my behavior and we worked together to resolve the experience. I was visible…and it made a difference.

If the distinction between hidden and invisible is still muddled, think of it this way:

• Hiding is situational, active, and conscious; the person hiding can reveal him/herself at any moment.
• Invisibility is pervasive and insidious; it is fueled by a set of negative beliefs that hijack our consciousness; the invisible person struggles with being visible to others and, most often, to him/herself; invisibility is a way of “being” in the world; many of us who are invisible, don’t even know it when it’s happening.

If the distinction is still unclear, let it sit for awhile or don’t even worry about it. Ultimately, what matters most is that I inspire at least one person in this world to see themselves differently and to live consciously, visibly, and be their biggest, brightest, most powerful self.

What is your perspective on the distinction between hidden and invisible? What other words would you like to explore or clarify? I invite you to post your response as a comment or send me an email (my email is on the About Me page).

www.invisiblelives.com

I subscribe to The Advocate, America’s leading gay news and entertainment magazine. In the December 3, 2007 edition, an article titled “Invisible Man” by Robert Harkabus caught my eye.

Robert describes swallowing a double-dose of invisibility – first, as a young gay man succumbing to the pressure from his family, community, and society to “be” straight during the mid-20th century, and then as an older “out” gay man whose age became a barrier to being seen by the youth-oriented gay community.

Robert writes:

“LGBT [lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender] people have had a lot of practice being invisible. For gays like me, who came of age in the 1940s and ’50s, the straight world was a place where we had to stay hidden. Society was much more repressive than it is today, and either people were more naive or they just wouldn’t talk of certain things.”

Eventually, Robert embraced his sexuality, acknowledged his life of invisibility, and recognized that he has powerful, life-changing options:

“Today, I have choices that I never had before. I choose to live in the mainstream community because I can interact with and educate those less enlightened. I can show my fellow gay citizens that older men still contribute to our progress—because I refuse to spend my gay retirement waiting for the grim reaper, and I won’t be invisible.”

Robert is an inspiration for us all – gay or straight, young or old, visible or invisible.

Consider the following:

• What are you willing to do to step out of the shadow of your own invisibility or to help someone else step out of their shadow?
• To what extent is your choice to be invisible influenced by your family, your community, or society?
• To what extent do you actively choose invisibility as a way of avoiding conflict or as a way to blend in?
• What do you do to reinforce invisibility in yourself or in others?

Hiding in shadows,
Slinking in my dark domain,
Yearning to be seen.

Have you ever written a haiku? It’s a poem with three lines. Line one has 5 syllables, line two has 7, and line three has 5.

It’s a simple formula that can yield powerful results. Mine is above. Will you share your perspective on Invisible Lives with a haiku? For more help with writing your haiku, check out eHow.

Some people’s lives are like a suitcase—
Neatly packed
With private articles
Carefully stashed.

I’m not saying that is wrong—
As long as it isn’t
Packed too tightly
Or a person doesn’t lose the key.

—Peggi Lisenbee

[One of my long-time friends, Ruthie, shared this poem with me in 1984. It spoke to me then, and it speaks to me now.]

The person you really are
Is forever waiting
To embrace you with open arms,
Tenderly encouraging,
Free of bias or judgment.

Once you are open to become
This Reality set out before you,
The world may breathe with more ease.

One of life’s great secrets is now before you.

Life’s treasures will open up to us,
By daily allowing fear to move,
Thus freeing up the imprisoning nature
Of shame and guilt.

The more you do this,
The more it will be true for you.

Thought will try to take you away
From practicing this secret.
You will succeed,
Just ask your body where your center is…

I received the poem above from a friend. The only reference given for it is this: Tao te ching; on the Lungs.

For most of my forty-two years, I have been living with a secret - one that’s powerful, insidious, persistent, and painful: I have been masterfully hiding from others and from myself; I have been living in the shadows of my own life; I have been living an invisible life.

There. I said it. My secret is out. I have taken one more step toward living more fully and more authentically in this world.

So, what’s the big deal? I grew up with a keen instinct to hide. It was a form of survival that I discovered and embraced. Now, as an adult, living invisibly has undermined my success and happiness. Like a magnet that’s drawn powerfully to metal, invisibility has drawn me powerfully to isolation, denial, and discomfort. It has steeped me in fear, shame, and resentment. It has underscored my failures and blinded me of my successes. But I don’t need to live this way. I have a choice. I choose to live visibly. Today I publicly declare my invisibility and embrace the healing that comes from awareness, acceptance, commitment to move forward, and a community of support.

I have developed InvisibleLives.com to create hope and opportunity for anyone who feels invisible - to those who quietly live in fear, or hide behind a veneer of humor, controversy, overworking, substance abuse, or social status. Invisible lives come in a rainbow of shapes, colors, and sizes, but we all have one thing in common: a disposition to hide our true selves.

In the past, my invisibility has shown up in many different ways such as not sharing my thoughts and feelings, unnecessarily keeping secrets from people I care about, and encouraging others to talk about themselves while I sat idly on the sidelines pretending to listen but ultimately disengaged.

How does invisibility show up in your life? Reflect on these questions and feel free to post your answers as a Comment, keep a private journal, or simply notice what comes up for you:

• How are you hiding?
• How do you make yourself invisible?
• What’s getting in your way of living a full life?
• What would your life be like if you lived more visibly?
• If you don’t feel invisible, who do you know that does feel invisible? Please let them know about InvisibleLives.com.

My vision for InvisibleLives.com includes this blog, powerful resources that will help others unlock the grip that invisibility has on them, and opportunities to participate in live workshops, teleclasses, and one-on-one coaching. Most of all, InvisibleLives.com is focused on community, support, and growth - all for the purpose of living a visible life. Here we can celebrate our collective journey from invisible to visible.

I welcome you and your future Visible Self to InvisibleLives.com.