I subscribe to The Advocate, America’s leading gay news and entertainment magazine. In the December 3, 2007 edition, an article titled “Invisible Man” by Robert Harkabus caught my eye.

Robert describes swallowing a double-dose of invisibility – first, as a young gay man succumbing to the pressure from his family, community, and society to “be” straight during the mid-20th century, and then as an older “out” gay man whose age became a barrier to being seen by the youth-oriented gay community.

Robert writes:

“LGBT [lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender] people have had a lot of practice being invisible. For gays like me, who came of age in the 1940s and ’50s, the straight world was a place where we had to stay hidden. Society was much more repressive than it is today, and either people were more naive or they just wouldn’t talk of certain things.”

Eventually, Robert embraced his sexuality, acknowledged his life of invisibility, and recognized that he has powerful, life-changing options:

“Today, I have choices that I never had before. I choose to live in the mainstream community because I can interact with and educate those less enlightened. I can show my fellow gay citizens that older men still contribute to our progress—because I refuse to spend my gay retirement waiting for the grim reaper, and I won’t be invisible.”

Robert is an inspiration for us all – gay or straight, young or old, visible or invisible.

Consider the following:

• What are you willing to do to step out of the shadow of your own invisibility or to help someone else step out of their shadow?
• To what extent is your choice to be invisible influenced by your family, your community, or society?
• To what extent do you actively choose invisibility as a way of avoiding conflict or as a way to blend in?
• What do you do to reinforce invisibility in yourself or in others?

There is no doubt in my mind that shame and invisibility are closely linked. When I read books that explore the issue of shame, the words hide, hiding, hidden, invisible, avoid, avoidance, and conceal routinely surface.

For example, in his 1989 psychoanalytical tome on shame, Andrew P. Morrison, M.D. writes:

“We have all felt shame. We have all suffered feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, incompetence, known a sense of defect and flaw, of failure; been scorned by others – such feelings are among the most painful we can experience. We hide them from ourselves and others.” (page 1, Shame)

And, on page 2, he writes:

“…shame frequently causes one to hide, to avoid interpersonal contact as a protection against rejection, and to conceal the affective experience from one’s own awareness.” (page 2, Shame)

What I notice first is the idea of hiding shame from others AND ourselves. That idea, alone, points to the insidiousness and isolation that shame can create. It seems like a clear link to invisibility.

Consider the following questions:

• How does shame show up in your life?
• How does shame undermine your ability to be visible?
• What have you done to overcome the ravages of shame?

I will continue to explore the relationship between shame and invisibility in future posts.

www.invisiblelives.com

– Guest Post by Thomas Freese, PhD

After nearly 25 years of loving and living with someone who struggles with the issue of invisibility, I have experienced the pain and the joy of seeing him struggle with (and increasingly succeed in) truly being present in the world. The rewards of this journey have been great, if at times painful. My own process has been to try to understand and be supportive of the journey of someone who has difficulty expressing the challenges that he faces. I recently gained a new perspective from an unexpected source.

I reread one of my favorite books, Geek Love, by Katherine Dunn. This book is a tragic allegory of the human condition told through the experience of a carnival family whose parents set out to purposely “breed their own exhibit of human oddities” (back cover). This novel has long been a favorite and, having just completed my third reading, I have realized why. The human condition being dealt with is invisibility.

The central character of the story is Arturo, also known as Aquaboy. He has flippers in place of arms and legs, and began life performing tricks in a large water tank for carnival patrons. As he enters adulthood, he discovers that he has incredible powers of perception and persuasion. He is able to see the secrets that people hope will never be revealed and to help bring out the shame associated with them. In one of the first incidents, he calls an extremely obese woman out of the audience and asks her if she thought she would be happy if she were beautiful, or “is it people not loving you that makes you unhappy? If they don’t love you it’s because there’s something wrong with you. If they love you then it must mean that you are all right” (p. 178). The woman feels understood for the first time and joins the carnival to be near Arturo.

Arturo’s ability to see into the invisible parts of people soon attracts crowds of hundreds to all of his shows and hundreds of cult followers who begin to travel with the show. Arturo’s ability to see and draw out the secret, invisible pieces of people is phenomenal; however, he does not use this gift for good. Instead, he convinces his cult followers that if they were more like him (i.e., less normal), they would be happier. His followers therefore voluntarily submit to removing their limbs, slowly, through repetitive surgeries, piece by piece. In doing this-removing their normalcy-they are gradually amputating their inner sources of shame.

I won’t give away the end of the book. While it is truly tragic, it is brilliantly crafted and should be read in the author’s own words. The message that leapt from the page came long before the end: living invisibly causes people to amputate important and beautiful pieces of themselves. They learn to live without these pieces and continually try to appear normal and well functioning without them. However, as with Arturo’s cult followers, they have more and more difficulty as they are drawn to remove more and more important pieces.

In what ways have you cut off pieces of yourself? What has this removal cost? What would it be like if those cut off pieces no longer had the power to shame?

The painful process of identifying these secret sources of inner shame, claiming them, and then re-attaching them in a way that they lose their shaming force and become sources of power is a long one-but the rewards are beyond measure.

Do you know The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams? It’s a touching story about a stuffed rabbit that becomes real. I read The Velveteen Rabbit for the first time a few years ago. That 20–minute read touched me deeply and reminded me about the process of overcoming invisibility.

Now there is Toni Raiten-D’Antonio’s book, The Velveteen Principles: A Guide to Becoming Real. Drawing on the classic children’s story, Toni beautifully and succinctly describes the process of becoming real (visible). She describes how we objectify ourselves (we turn ourselves into objects instead of being human), push for perfection, ignore our emotions, and strive to be something that we are not and never will be.

Toni captures the essence of what creates invisibility:

The process usually begins early in life, when children are punished for expressing themselves in ways that make adults uncomfortable and rewarded for stifling or denying their true feelings. (page 69)

Her description captures my experience as a child that I wrote about in A Defining Moment.

I appreciated Toni’s description of how she became invisible:

In my childhood, I was trained to make myself as invisible and self-sufficient as possible. My parents pushed this role on me for a number of reasons. The main one may have been because they were both diagnosed with serious and ultimately debilitating illnesses. They were too distraught to focus on a little girl, and they lacked the physical and emotional energy to take care of me. For these reasons and more, I was discouraged from ever voicing a need or desire. I even learned to hate those parts of myself that required care and attention. I believed I had to be perfect in order to be good enough. As I grew up, I continued to believe I must be perfect, always nurturing and available. Of course, those beliefs set me up for an unhappy life as a resentful, empty-hearted martyr. (page 142)

What parts of Toni’s experience resonate with you?

This winter, curl up in front of the fireplace in a cozy chair with a mug of hot chocolate, a comfy blanket, and a stuffed animal and pour yourself into The Velveteen Collection: The Velveteen Principles & The Velveteen Rabbit. Invest four hours in becoming real (visible). It will be worth it.

Hiding in shadows,
Slinking in my dark domain,
Yearning to be seen.

Have you ever written a haiku? It’s a poem with three lines. Line one has 5 syllables, line two has 7, and line three has 5.

It’s a simple formula that can yield powerful results. Mine is above. Will you share your perspective on Invisible Lives with a haiku? For more help with writing your haiku, check out eHow.

I love the concept of Jacquie Hale’s book, Serenity Is an Inside Job. Part inspiration, part inner journey, part celebration, and part simplicity, Serenity Is an Inside Job is a 9–week, self-paced course in how to relieve stress and reclaim your life. It requires only a few minutes a day and will provide lasting value as you engage in developing new habits and new ways of seeing yourself.

The process is simple. On a weekly basis, you will read an inspiring message about a concept that relates to leading a more fulfilling life. These concepts include:

• Finding stillness and breath
• Cultivating your natural genius
• Transforming your limiting beliefs
• Identifying your heart’s desire
• Manifesting your dream
• Creating your five-year vision

On a daily basis, you will engage in brief activities that create mindfulness about whatever concept is on the agenda. Then, for just 5–10 minutes, you will write a response to a powerful question that will help you deepen your learning.

In fewer than 20 minutes a day, you can relieve stress and reclaim your life. Work the process and it will work for you.

Jacquie is a life coach, writer, blogger, web designer and a dear friend. Learn more about Jacquie through her blog or coaching web site. Her book is available in a print version or electronic download.

He looked straight into my eyes with a penetrating, all-knowing look and asserted convincingly, “I can tell if someone is gay.”

It was October 1983. I was 18–years old and in my second week of college. My new friends, Dave and Vince, invited me to have pizza with them just thirty minutes earlier. I jumped at the chance to get to know these two guys – both of whom I had met a week before when I was asked to perform in another friend’s senior music recital of opera scenes. Dave was the conductor, Vince was the lead tenor, and I played the baritone role in a scene from Mozart’s opera Cosi fan tutte (which, ironically, is a romantic comedy that explores deception and betrayal).

We had just finished our second rehearsal when the three of us headed for pizza around 7 pm. During the 20–minute drive to the best pizza place in the area, Vince and Dave started talking about the Wizard of Oz. I love the Wizard of Oz, but I had trouble comprehending their conversation. For example, I remember Dave asking Vince, “Are you a friend of Dorothy?” and Vince replying, “Of course.”

What’s a friend of Dorothy? I silently pondered. Not wanting to appear stupid or not “with it,” I set aside my curiosity and discomfort, and joined in their laughter.

When we arrived at the pizza place and got settled into a booth, Dave asked, “Paul, do you know what we were talking about in the car?”

With that question, it was clear that my attempt to be “one of the boys” didn’t work. Yep. I had been caught, so I admitted, “Well, to be honest, I knew you were talking about the Wizard of Oz and stuff, but I didn’t really understand what you guys were really talking about.”

The waitress interrupted our conversation to take our order. I welcomed the distraction because I was unsure where this conversation was heading.

As soon as the waitress walked away, Dave continued with a brief, but shocking explanation, “Vince and I are gay.” I was mystified. How did we go from The Wizard of Oz to gay?

“The conversation we had in the car,” Dave continued, “was our way of coming out to each other. Saying ‘I’m a friend of Dorothy’ is a way of saying ‘I’m gay.’”

Vince chimed in, “We didn’t mean to leave you out of anything, but on the drive over here Dave and I realized that each of us is gay. We got caught up in coming out to each other.”

There I sat, for the first time in my life, in front of two gay men, gaining a new perspective on the Wizard of Oz. My emotions were like the twister that transported Dorothy from Kansas to Munchkinland. There was a surprising calmness in the center of my emotional storm that was punctuated by the emotional debris swirling around me, cluttered with years of repression, secrecy, and hiding.

I was honored that they trusted me with this information and, more importantly, I had this sudden sense of belonging, which literally scared the hell out of me. This was actually a big moment in my life. The truth was that I was terrified to sit there, but I stayed anyways. God, I thought, what if they think I’m gay?

Vince thanked me for not getting up and scurrying to another table. I acknowledged his appreciation by saying, “I wouldn’t run away like that. I’m pretty open-minded.”

Then came the turning point in the conversation. Dave leaned into the table, looked me squarely in the eyes, and said definitively, “I can tell if someone is gay.”

“Aahhhhh!” I screamed silently. Now I really wanted to run away. But instead, without any hesitation, I muscled my way into the land of courage and blurted out a resounding, “Oh.” That’s it. That’s all I said. Just “Oh.” I did not care to know what he thought of me and I ensured that we did not go down that path.

I looked back into Dave’s eyes, doing my best not to reveal any secrets. Dave continued to stare at me, knowingly, for what felt like an eternity. Neither of us said anything while Vince sat on the sideline observing the whole thing.

Thankfully, the pizza arrived. Dave sat back in his chair, relaxing his intense focus on me. In between pizza bites, I asked my two new “friends of Dorothy” about their lives and what it’s like to be gay. We talked for a while longer and then drove back to campus where we parted company until our next rehearsal.

Reflecting on that night, I stood at the threshold of something huge, scary, and inevitable. For the first time, I realized that I would need to face my own betrayal and deception. That night marked the beginning of a new life for me. It was time for me to come out. [To be continued…]

You don’t have to be gay to relate to “coming out” or feeling threatened by others who might suspect your secret. Consider posting in the Comments here or in your private journal, your answers to the following questions:

· When was a time that you betrayed your own integrity by engaging in deception? What happened? What would you do differently now?

· How do you betray your integrity now? What does it get you? What does it cost you?

In a previous post, I wrote about a situation with my friend, Dee, who asked me the million-dollar question, “Are you invisible right now?” I thought it would be interesting to apply The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom to that situation. Here is the result:

Agreement One – Be impeccable with your word. When Dee asked me, “Are you invisible right now?” my first impulse was to run away from the question and simply deny it – a habituated, shame-oriented response to conflict. Yet, I was able to access the internal resources to speak the truth, to be in a place of integrity, and to answer her question honestly.

Agreement Two – Don’t take anything personally. Her question created a conflict for me, but I saw past the immediate threat and, instead, recognized it as an opportunity to be visible. Even though I took her question personally at first, reframing the situation as an opportunity was a significant shift, which de-personalized it. It brought us both right into the moment and created an honest, authentic connection.

Agreement Three – Don’t make assumptions. When Dee asked me the question, my first reaction was to assume that she could not handle the truth. Fortunately, I didn’t dwell on that assumption. Instead, I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she could handle the answer. While this too is an assumption, it is based on seeing Dee in a positive light rather than perceiving some deficiency within her. By being authentic with Dee, I was letting her know that I trust her and honor her ability to take care of herself.

Agreement Four – Always do your best. I did my best. I know this because my body relaxed and our conversation progressed into much deeper territory than before.

Was there more that I could have done? Absolutely. Was I truly impeccable with my word? Mostly, but I could have been more transparent about the conflict that arose within me as a result of her question. Did I take anything personally? I sure did, but I was able to de-personalize it enough to see the opportunity inherent in the threat. Did I make assumptions? Well, yes, but I quickly overcame the most powerful of them.

A dear friend (I’ll call her Dee) and I agreed to talk by phone this past Saturday morning. From the moment we met nine months ago in a workshop on coaching, we have consistently had intensely personal conversations. But, this day, I was in a funk so I was planning on just giving her a rundown of my Did-Do list from the past two months (since the time we last talked) and hearing what she’s been up to.

I started the conversation by talking about InvisibleLives.com and my recent journey of bringing this blog on line. When it was clear it was time to transition to the next topic, Dee said in her sweetest voice, “I have a question that I hope will be okay to ask you.”

“Of course,” I replied, assuming that she was going to ask me about some aspect of my journey to blogdom.

She courageously and wisely went for the million-dollar question, “Are you invisible right now?”

Not expecting THAT question, I did a silent Homer Simpson “Doh!.” My heart skipped a beat (maybe two), my spine stiffened, and my chest froze.  I momentarily panicked, wondering What do I do now? Do I play it off? Do I confess? Ugh. Here I am talking about being more visible in my life, and I’m playing the invisibility card again. Damn it. I’ve been caught.

I paused for a moment, found my courage, set aside my internal conflict, and made my confession, “Yes. I’m invisible right now.”

Eureka! In that moment, my chest began to melt and my spine began to relax. The uneasiness that had been present in our conversation began to dissipate. The shackles of invisibility and shame began to lift.

Our conversation continued its mystical transformation as Dee held a safe space for me to be real with her and I gave myself permission to be real. We never got back to either of our Did-Do lists. Instead, we talked about our relationship and we savored the intimacy of our conversation for the remainder of our time on the phone.

Dee’s courageous question and my willingness to respond honestly transformed our conversation.

Here are some questions for you to ponder, write about in a journal, or post as a Comment:

• Under what circumstances do you hide your true self?
• What are the signals that you are hiding?
• What does it take for you to come out from behind the veil of invisibility?
• What might happen if you were to ask yourself throughout the day, “Am I being invisible right now?”

My friend, colleague, web designer, and fellow blogger, Brian (check out his personal development blog, DevYou), shared a wonderful quote with me recently that relates directly to the theme of this site. Brian introduced the quote with these words: It was said by John Barlow about Spalding Gray during the period of grieving immediately following Spalding’s suicide:

“Among the beliefs that he and I shared was a conviction that making public the intimately personal is a revolutionary act in an atomized society where many feel compelled to play so close to the chest that they can’t read their own cards. Being emotionally naked before strangers extends to them a permission for self-revelation they badly need if they are to loosen the shackles of their own quiet desperations. It is a blow against the pursuit of loneliness.”

Thank you, Brian.

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