For months I saw it – that little book with the olive-green and red cover – on the product display at Jamba Juice. Each time I visited Jamba, I would pick up the book, briefly thumb through it, put it down, and turn my back on it. Countless times I’d read the book’s sub-title, “A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom,” and dismiss it as nonsense. Or I’d read the inside flap and the back cover, and ignore the curiosity and anxiety that arose within me.

With each visit, though, my intrigue grew and my resistance decreased. Finally, after six months of giving it the cold shoulder, I gave in. I bought it.

For the next three months it sat on my desk and I played a similar cat-and-mouse game: I would briefly pick it up, begin reading the Introduction, and then toss it back on my desk a moment later. I thought it’s just a book for god’s sake and I’m clearly drawn to the subject matter; yet, I am resisting something.

After three months, I packed it in my carry-on bag for a cross-country flight. Moments after settling into my seat, I pulled the book out and read it from cover to cover. Loved it!

The book is Don Miguel’s The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. It’s about the limiting beliefs we hold, how they interfere with our personal freedom, and how we can offset them by making just four profoundly simple agreements with ourselves: 

1. Be impeccable with your word
2. Don’t take anything personally
3. Don’t make assumptions
4. Always do your best

These four agreements form the antithesis of being invisible. For example, upon reading the book, I discovered why I resisted buying it: I am not always impeccable with my word, I sometimes take things personally, and I constantly make assumptions. This book confronted the beliefs that directly fortify my invisibility and I wasn’t ready to give them up. It’s no wonder I didn’t want to read The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. 

Is it time to confront your limiting beliefs or to make life-changing agreements with yourself? If so, I encourage you to buy the book, commit to the agreements, and become more visible.  572 people (to date) have posted reviews of this book on Amazon.com, garnering it 4.5 stars out of 5.

I also invite you to take one or more of the following questions and post your response as a Comment or, if you prefer privacy, write your answers in a personal journal:

• What are you turning your back on or resisting that might otherwise lead you to being more visible?
• Like that little book at Jamba Juice, what is constantly calling out to you that you are purposefully ignoring?
• What beliefs have you cultivated that seem to fortify your invisibility? What would letting go of those beliefs give you?
• What would it mean for your life to be impeccable with your word, never to take things personally, never make assumptions, and always do your best?

The person you really are
Is forever waiting
To embrace you with open arms,
Tenderly encouraging,
Free of bias or judgment.

Once you are open to become
This Reality set out before you,
The world may breathe with more ease.

One of life’s great secrets is now before you.

Life’s treasures will open up to us,
By daily allowing fear to move,
Thus freeing up the imprisoning nature
Of shame and guilt.

The more you do this,
The more it will be true for you.

Thought will try to take you away
From practicing this secret.
You will succeed,
Just ask your body where your center is…

I received the poem above from a friend. The only reference given for it is this: Tao te ching; on the Lungs.

My parents and I were tooling around Las Vegas, my home town, in my dad’s new 1970 AMC Hornet on a cool autumn day. My mother was in the passenger’s seat and I had my usual place in the back seat.

We were traveling east on Charleston Boulevard and we were just passing my favorite auto repair shop. Being five years old and a fan of Hot Wheels, the shop’s defining feature is what captured my attention: a full-size, 1960ish German-styled car teetering atop a twenty foot pole that seemed to extend to the clouds. I often wondered how they got that car up there.

As we passed the auto repair shop, my father made a comment about it. I don’t recall exactly what he said – perhaps it was about the car on a pole – but I do recall disagreeing with him.

Not anticipating the consequences, I leaned forward from my seat and blurted my reaction to his comment. I’ll never know if my blurting was improper or if my father was simply enforcing his children-should-be-seen-and-not-heard rule, but he snapped right back, “Don’t contradict me, Paul.”

Ouch! An adrenaline-filled shock wave streamed through my little body. I felt overwhelmed and stunned. I didn’t understand what my father meant by “don’t contradict me,” but it was clear that he was displeased with me. I immediately defended myself with a defensive, but genuine question, “What did I do?”

“Paul,” he repeated sternly, “You know what you did. Do not contradict me.”

Hoping for clarity and reason, I turned to my mom and asked, “Mom, what did I do?”

“Paul, don’t contradict your father,” she said dismissively.

I had reached a roadblock with my parents. I felt like that car on a pole – skewered, hoisted, and isolated from the rest of the world. I was suddenly all alone. I sank back into my seat, feeling confused and angry.

Then, in an instant, my creative mind locked onto a powerful solution. “I know,” I thought to myself. “I’ll never talk again. If they won’t listen to me, then I won’t give them anything to listen to. I’ll show them.” I silently reiterated my determination, “I’ll never talk again.”

Of course, I did talk again. But that experience in the back seat of the Hornet became a defining moment. I began to suppress my thoughts and feelings. I learned not to speak up, not to create controversy, and certainly not to contradict my father. I began the process of moving from childhood vibrancy to emotional numbness. I found comfort in isolation. I had discovered the power of invisibility. I had redefined myself and reshaped the future of my life.

Consider the following questions about your life. Post your response as a Comment or keep your answers in a private journal:

• What childhood experience might have initiated your invisibility?
• What happened and how did you handle it?
• How has that experience reshaped your life?
• How did being invisible protect you from a threatening environment?

For most of my forty-two years, I have been living with a secret - one that’s powerful, insidious, persistent, and painful: I have been masterfully hiding from others and from myself; I have been living in the shadows of my own life; I have been living an invisible life.

There. I said it. My secret is out. I have taken one more step toward living more fully and more authentically in this world.

So, what’s the big deal? I grew up with a keen instinct to hide. It was a form of survival that I discovered and embraced. Now, as an adult, living invisibly has undermined my success and happiness. Like a magnet that’s drawn powerfully to metal, invisibility has drawn me powerfully to isolation, denial, and discomfort. It has steeped me in fear, shame, and resentment. It has underscored my failures and blinded me of my successes. But I don’t need to live this way. I have a choice. I choose to live visibly. Today I publicly declare my invisibility and embrace the healing that comes from awareness, acceptance, commitment to move forward, and a community of support.

I have developed InvisibleLives.com to create hope and opportunity for anyone who feels invisible - to those who quietly live in fear, or hide behind a veneer of humor, controversy, overworking, substance abuse, or social status. Invisible lives come in a rainbow of shapes, colors, and sizes, but we all have one thing in common: a disposition to hide our true selves.

In the past, my invisibility has shown up in many different ways such as not sharing my thoughts and feelings, unnecessarily keeping secrets from people I care about, and encouraging others to talk about themselves while I sat idly on the sidelines pretending to listen but ultimately disengaged.

How does invisibility show up in your life? Reflect on these questions and feel free to post your answers as a Comment, keep a private journal, or simply notice what comes up for you:

• How are you hiding?
• How do you make yourself invisible?
• What’s getting in your way of living a full life?
• What would your life be like if you lived more visibly?
• If you don’t feel invisible, who do you know that does feel invisible? Please let them know about InvisibleLives.com.

My vision for InvisibleLives.com includes this blog, powerful resources that will help others unlock the grip that invisibility has on them, and opportunities to participate in live workshops, teleclasses, and one-on-one coaching. Most of all, InvisibleLives.com is focused on community, support, and growth - all for the purpose of living a visible life. Here we can celebrate our collective journey from invisible to visible.

I welcome you and your future Visible Self to InvisibleLives.com.